


If I Could Take It Back

by beililee (sapphoatsunset)



Series: Super Junior 100 Fic Challenge [52]
Category: Super Junior
Genre: Body Image, Community: shindong_weekly, Eating Disorders, Gen, Guilt, M/M, References to Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-05-01
Updated: 2008-05-01
Packaged: 2017-11-23 04:42:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/618193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphoatsunset/pseuds/beililee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>I would...</i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>For shindong_weekly prompt: Because so much is riding on your Shidong<br/>For 100 Fic prompt #54: Self-Image</p>
<p>Possible triggers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Could Take It Back

Shindong had never felt fat before, not until he joined Super Junior and met, face-to-face daily, some of the skinniest men in the world. He envied their grace – forgetting that he had his own special brand of grace – and wished he could defy his love of all that is good and holy, also known as food.  
  
It really wasn’t fair, he thought to himself as his belly rumbled and he watched Sungmin inhale cake, his third of the week and it was only Tuesday, that some people, like the pink-haired fool in front of him, could eat sweets as if they were life’s blood and not gain an once. He was probably gaining weight just being in the same building as all this cake.  
  
Now he knew what he spouted in interviews and at performances - “love your body; everyone is beautiful regardless of size” - but he was beginning to feel that that was all a load of bullshit. Who really believed that anyways?  
  
Thus, it was all that much worse when HanChul, as he liked to call the inseperable two, started riding his ass about his weight, Hankyung saying in his graceful manner that exercise was good for the soul you know, Heechul forthrightly saying that the camera adds 10 fucking pounds – doesn’t shed them – so he better lose weight before he resembles a blimp on TV.  
  
So he planned it all out. He would diet. He would stick to it. He would not eat sweets. He would have only one serving of dinner – Eeteuk-sized portions at that. He would exercise. He would use the pressure to diet for good and actually slim down.  
  
He would fail.  
  
Food was too tempting. Too delicious. He hated himself for it, hated the failure. More pressure, that’s all it would take, just a little more. Fortunately he had some help; Heechul was always more than happy to make the fat comments, Hanchul tagging along, trying his hardest to look sorry and failing every time.  
  
Unfortunately, Shindong was a stress eater. When stressed, where some people might binge drink, he binge ate. There had to be a way to solve this, a way that would let him eat and lose weight at the same time.  
  
He found a little thing called ‘shove your fingers down your throat until your guts spew out in rainbows’ to aid his cause, and suddenly it was so easy. The pounds fell off. He got compliments left and right.  
  
Even Heechul complimented him.  
  
But he couldn’t stop when the number read what it should, because by that time he still saw all the previous fat, imagined himself to be roughly the same size as before.  
  
Hanchul worried, felt guilt for his part. “Shindongie, you need to stop losing weight. You’re wasting away. You’re skinnier than me.”  
  
A smile and a nod but he wasn’t heard.  
  
When he collapsed on set one day, there was a collective gasp from all corners of the earth, prayers gathering to reach the Super Junior sweetheart. But he never awoke and guilt plagued them all.  
  
 _ _Dear Shindongie,  
__

> I’m sorry I hinted that you were fat. I’m sorry I didn’t stick up for you when my love was a bitch – as he can be at times. I’m sorry that I added to the pressure when so much was already riding on your shoulders. I will miss your smile, your laugh – that was what made you beautiful; you were right with your ‘everybody is beautiful regardless of size’ comment. Your beauty outshone us all.

__  
Han Geng  
  
The keyboard was wet as he was posted it to his blog, desks and keyboards around the world becoming drenched in tears.  
  
 _ _Dear Shindong,__  


> Why didn’t you realize that I was jealous, jealous of your grace, your confidence, your light. Anything that I have is contrived, but yours was all real, so I struck out in the only way I could, by attacking the one weakness I could find. I forever and ever am deeply sorry. I don’t deserve forgiveness; in fact, I give you permission to haunt me for life – I deserve it! I was such a bitch and I will never be able to take it back. If only I could take it back…

__  
Kim Heechul  
  
His diary was splotched from many viewings, many tear-filled sessions of remorse. He couldn’t take it back, couldn’t, so he posed the razor above his wrist, ready to slash red…  
  
\---~~~---  
  
The alarm went off with a loud, annoying, incessant beeping noise, dragging him from the nightmare, and Shindong patted his belly, saying to himself “I love you just the way you are.

**Author's Note:**

> This was hard for me to write, having suffered from eating disorders myself once upon a time. I think as humans, we forget that words **can** be hurtful. That they can hurt worse than the proverbial sticks and stones. So, of course, I had to give it a happier ending, and make it a dream sequence instead until the last little bit.


End file.
